Laws For Audio Engineers
Years ago, someone, perhaps Westlake Audio, distributed this as a handout at an AES convention.
If you know who did, I'd appreciate knowing who it was. Likewise, if you can supply more about the person quoted, that would also be appreciated.

Name Law Claim to Fame
Grundman's Law Under the most carefully controlled conditions of presure, temperature, humidity and other variables, the system will perform as it damn well pleases. Bernie Grundman, Mastering Engineer
Knight's Law A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.  
Hidley's Law Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do the work. Tom Hidley, Studio designer
Duncan's Law When in doubt, mumble. Kent Duncan, Kendun Recorders. Recording and Mastering Facility
Evan's Law Every man has a scheme that will not work.  
Hulko's Law A theory is better than its explanation.  
Storyk's Law The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office. John Storyk, Studio Designer.
Woram's Law Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic John Woram, Engineer and Author
Nordahl's Law Everything goes wrong at once. Tore Nordahl, Studer & Neve. Now a consultant.
Emmerman's Law In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. Mack Emmerman, Criteria Studios, Miami FL.
Tarsia's Law The obvious answer is always overlooked. Joe Tarsia, Sigma Sound, Philadelphia.
Snoddy's Law It works better if you plug it in. Glenn Snoddy, recording engineer. Discoverer of Fuzz as an effect. Fuzztone Origin 
Harrison's Law There is always an easy answer to every problem - neat, plausible and wrong. Dave Harrison, Harrison consoles.
Meadow's Law It won't work. Glenn Meadows, Masterfonics
Westlake's Law The first 90 percent of the project takes 90 percent of the time, and the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. Westlake Audio, purveyor of Gear and studio systems.
Harned's Law Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can. Jeep Harned, founder, MCI
Schnee's Law Anything that begins well will end badly. (note: the converse of this law is not true.) Bill Schnee, Engineer and Producer
Stone's Law Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. Sly Stone? More likely Chris Stone, of the Record Plant.
aka Farber's Fourth Law.
Golden's Law A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
aka Segall's Law. 		 
Perry's Law If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Richard Perry, Producer.
Garay's Law An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Val Garay, Engineer and Producer
Kelsey's Law Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.  
Lightner's Law If it happens, it must be possible.  
Steele's Law Social innovations tend to the level of minimum well being.  
Guy's Law The probabillity of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. Richard Guy
Moyssiadis' Law As soon as you mention somethng, if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.  
Capps' Law If it can find a way to wear out faster, it will. Capps makes disc recording styli.
Lippell's Law If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.  
Neumann's Law Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Georg Neumann, microphone God.
Calbi's Law Nothing is as easy as it looks.  
Marino's Law Everything takes longer than you think it will.  
Todrank's Law There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who do not. Bob Todrank, purveyor of Gear.
Brosious' Law The components you have will expand to fill the available space. Ham Brosious, then with Audiotechniques, Gear Purveyor. Now with Digibid, Gear Purveyor of the new Millennia.
Ingoldsby's Law You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. Brian Inglodsby, MCA.
Merten's Law The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your itme reporting on the nothing you are doing.  
Sax's Law All laws are basically false. Doug Sax, The Mastering Lab
Zentz's Law Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Alan Zentz, Mastering?
Ludwig's Law The other line moves faster Bob Ludwig, Mastering Engineer
Dozier's Law Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results. LaMont Dozier, Producer & Songwriter.
Rettinger's Law Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always serve as a bad example. Michael Rettinger, Acoustician.
Ricker's Law Experiments should be reproducible. The should all fail the same way. Stan Ricker, Mastering Engineer, half-speed mastering God.
Boden's Law If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong experiment.  
Hansch's Law Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.  
Eberle's Laws
  1. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
  2. No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to take it.
  3. No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.
  4. No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
 
Fulginiti's Law In a heirarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.  
Reese's Law There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.  
Leek's Law An experiment may be considered if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.  
Cato's Law The merchandise you need the quickest will be shipped the slowest way. I hope this isn't OJ's pal, Cato!
Gray's Law In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously coreect beyone all need of checking contain the errors.
Corrollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either.
Corrollary 2: Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will spot it immediately 		 
Simpson's Law There is a quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.  
Temmer's Law If I don't make or sell it, it isn't any good. Stephen Temmer, Gotham Audio, importer of Neumann Microphones.

Last modified 3/12/2008.