Explicit Language Follows
scroll down...

wc_sign.gif OK. You're here, because you don't get it. With no attempt or intent of being PC, this is what happens when someone slips someone who is fairly LI (like Rick) even the tiniest amount of milk. Without taking any lactase tablets, this can happen in the space of 10 minutes or less.
  1. Shortly afterwards, gas pains start.
  2. Stuff begins gurgling in the intestines.
  3. Discomfort caused by nausea and intestinal gas begins.
  4. There is a strong urge to fart (Danger Will Robinson, Danger!) If you give in and it's just gas, you just lucked out.
  5. Off to the bathroom. If you're lucky, you make it. If not... If you're driving, better hope you can find a public restroom that is reasonably clean (in your condition, there is no time to do much more than cursory cleaning before use). Have you tried to find a public restroom lately? McDonalds is your friend now!
  6. Eruption begins, forcibly ejecting the large intestine's contents along with a large quantity of water.
  7. Sit, somewhat spent, hoping that the next wave is NOT on its way.
  8. Sometimes this is accompanied by sweating and tremors.
  9. The previous 3 steps may repeat multiple times over the next 4-6 hours.

If Rick takes the lactase tablets, but not enough to counteract the lactose content of the food, then the consistency of the eruption might be modified to something resembling soft-serve ice cream (but it is not nearly as tasty, even if he can't eat soft-serve any longer <he can still remember>). It may also lengthen the time before symptoms occur to an hour or more. It may decrease the number of secondary eruptions.

If Rick takes enough lactase, then he may get to skip the entire ordeal. But you never know for sure for several hours. In the meantime, you must be on-guard! In Rick's condition, it pays to eat ice cream (unless it's Breyer's lactose-free ice cream!) at home.

If you're trying to kill a rat, you can look up the lethal poison dosage somewhere; x amount of poison per y kilograms of body weight. Assume a large rat. Do the math. You're done.

With LI, you don't know how much lactose you must neutralize, therefore you don't know the dosage. Bummer.

The only sure fire way to avoid this is to

  • avoid obvious sources of milk products
  • take more than enough Lactaid to counterract any lactose in the food. For Rick, it's way more than the 2 tablets they recommend in the directions.

  • Back to previous page 
  • Last modified 06/16/2013.